i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
