I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize