I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I think i got beer on your cat.
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