True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
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