my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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