there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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