Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
