That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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