someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
her facebook's as public as her vagina
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
