i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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