I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
