If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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