if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
