how can u be prego again
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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