six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize