apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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