btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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