She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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