I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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