I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
