Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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