I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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