Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
