he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Even my vagina gasped.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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