mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
