Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
