we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
