I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize