Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
this is an emotional support booty call
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
