i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
