i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
