They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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