Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
