somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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