just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize