I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
