she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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