Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
