3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
