I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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