I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
