I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Randomize
