I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
