Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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