All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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