True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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