An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
