I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
