I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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