The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
