How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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