I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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