Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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