Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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