I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
