i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
