What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
