I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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