It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
