so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
