Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
