I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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