I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
