My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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