A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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